Our image of rape is so narrow - a violent stranger that both sexually assaults (with a penis) and batters someone. But as many people now know, it usually isn’t a stranger. And it isn’t always violent or with a penis. My assault was neither with a stranger nor violent. It was with my (now ex) boyfriend. It was with his fingers.
Our narrow idea of what rape looks like leads to many victims/survivors to deny their own experience and to feel invalidated which then leads to less assaults being reported and more assailants running free. It took me almost 3 years after we had broken up to acknowledge that what he had done was rape. It took me another 6 months to tell anyone.
The first time, it happened because of our different ideas of what “sex” means. This does not make it my fault. I said I didn’t want to have sex - we had just met at a party and went back to his place. He said that was fine then shoved some fingers in me. That was sex to me. That was rape.
The second time (and third and fourth and however many more times it happened), it was also with his fingers. This time, there was no misunderstanding. Ignorance was no longer an excuse - not that it was an acceptable excuse the previous time.
I was brushing my teeth at his house and he started fingering me. I said “stop,” I said “no,” I don’t remember how many times I said those words. I hit his hand away. I fled the room - that was the only way in the moment that it would stop, that he would stop. I had to put doors and walls between us for it to stop. He thought it was funny, harmless. It wasn’t. He did that many more times while we were together - each time I said no, each time he ignored me and my lack of consent. I was 17, he was 10 years older than me. He should have known better. He probably did know better.
I have never confronted him. I have never reported it. I probably never will.
I still have trouble saying “I was raped” out loud, even to myself, even while writing this. I have no problem saying I was violated, sexually assaulted, abused. I don’t know what it is with the R word, but it is just so hard for me to claim.
To anyone else out there like me: I believe you. It wasn’t your fault. It was rape.
You held my hands in yours, Said the world was ours to take. You wrapped your arms around my waist, said ‘I’ll keep you safe, always’ Little did I know when you wiped the tears from my eyes, that to be safe, all I had to do was keep away from your colourful lies.
“You weren’t a wolf in sheeps clothing. You were just a wolf, out in the open, plain and simple. And I was dumb enough to smile, when you looked at me as a way to be fed.”
- excerpt from a book I’ll never write #111 // @loveactivist
